Proverbs 14:12
“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”
I am 17. I have never had sex. My drinking is limited to wine coolers on card night and some Manischewitz at a Seder dinner. Oh, and that time I had some champagne at my uncle’s wedding. I have never done drugs (still true). I am class president, valedictorian, and play trombone in the school band. I go to church nearly every Sunday and sing in the choir. I like the white paint of the interior, the belfry, the comfort of being closed in the pew, me clothed in my robe. The way the snow and the rain and the sunshine look through the tall windows and their bubbly glass.
I am 18. I am in college, but our parties consist of sitting around and playing guitar and singing. I have a beer with my friend. Bass. I sometimes drink a beer on the weekend. One beer. I don’t have sex. I try not to ask for an extension on papers, but I think I do once or twice. I graduate summa cum laude with a double major. I am chosen to sing at graduation.
“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”
I am 22. I am living in a foreign country. I am studying music in a conservatory. I go to classes every day even though none of my friends bother. I haul my trombone through the metro for lessons. I have one sexual partner (still true). I have to get Plan B for a broken condom. No one goes with me. I go alone because women handle this kind of stuff on their own, and pay for the appointments and the prescription on their own.
I am 26. I am teaching music to kids. How to play the trombone, how to bow the violin, how to sing a major scale. I still have one sexual partner. My PCP tries to get me to get the HPV vaccine. She seems incredulous that I only have one partner, and that my partner doesn’t have partners. My sex life is too dull for HPV. I go to Planned parenthood every 3 months to pick up my birth control. I pay for it from my own bank account. My husband and I keep separate bank accounts and this expense ($35 a month) falls under my category- woman stuff. I go alone because women handle this kind of stuff on their own.
“There is a way that men think is right, and its ways are the ways of death.”
I am 30. I have a Masters degree. I am still teaching children to sing and play music. I want to get pregnant but I’ve been on birth control so long it takes a while. Depo, Nuvaring, the pill. I finally get pregnant. I go to the obstetrician appointments alone because women handle this kind of stuff on their own.
I am 36. I have two children. Our family is complete, so I’m told to get an IUD. I go to the appointment alone because women handle this kind of stuff on their own. I sink into a deep depression after I’m done nursing my baby. I go on antidepressants, have side effects, then go on other antidepressants with other side effects.
“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”
I am 39. I don’t know why I’m so tired and sad all the time. I make an appointment and ask for the IUD to be taken out. I go alone because, well, you know. They say it will hurt and it does. But I handled childbirth without any pain medicine, I can handle this easily.
I am 40. I am a mother, a teacher and a musician. I take my children to the doctor and the dentist and try to make sure they have music and art and books in their life. I want them to have healthy bodies and good balance in life. I teach them about the swimsuit rule, that no one should touch the area covered by a swimsuit. I teach them to look out for tricky people and trust their instincts. Women handle all sorts of stuff on their own.
“There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.”
I am 41. I am told I am going to hell by in-laws. Not in a direct way, just an indirect kind of way. A Bible quotation, Proverbs 14:12, posted on Facebook a few hours after I try to talk politics with them. I want them to understand that a rift has been formed- some fabric has ripped and I’m not sure it can be stitched back together. I don’t think they know. They have fallen in my estimation, but apparently so have I. Fallen so far, that my way is leading me (and my daughters, their grandchildren?) to death. Read: Hell. Read: denied an everlasting life.
My way. The way of death.
I do have a criminal history. When I was about 8, I stole a Hallmark card from a CVS. And one time, while playing Legos at my cousin’s house, I stole a miniature orange traffic cone from the Lego set. I found something about miniature things so appealing. I’m sorry, Jim, I never told you.
I am also a traffic offender. I got pulled over once in high school because I didn’t have my lights on. I got pulled over once in my 20s on the way to my grandmother’s funeral. New roads, new state, new speed limit. I got pulled over once in my 30s. I didn’t see the no left turn sign on Colfax late at night. Why do they pick random streets where you can’t turn left from the turn lane?
So now you have my sordid secrets laid out for you. A career spent in public service earning not very much money. One sexual partner my whole life (their son). A life without one illegal substance, not even pot that’s legal here. Was it that left turn on Colfax?
No- my journey to hell is paved with a woman’s control over her body. Because I understand that women have to do this stuff alone, and afford it on their own. Because I understand that my body is in my hands, along with the two little bodies I am raising.
See you in hell.